highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
