Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
