no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Randomize
