y did u give ur computer a hand job?
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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