Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Randomize
