i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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