I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Randomize
