i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
