My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
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