Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Randomize
