i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize
