Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
