my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I will pee on everything he values.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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