smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
