He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
