i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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