I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
