He disabled his match.com account in front of me
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Randomize
