peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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