Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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