There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
