Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
