Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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