I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Randomize
