I smell stomach acid.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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