This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Randomize
