Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I just had sex on a roof
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
