the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
