my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
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