The maid of honor just puked.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
We're too hungover to prance.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
