i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
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