I murdered the dance floor call the cops
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
