I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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