Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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