I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
