I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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