3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I bet he comes in French.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Randomize
