if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Where you are. You must stay where you are are
Where you are. You must stay where you are arewhere are youu
Where you are. You must stay where you 5eare wher are you!!
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
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