Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
