Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
