I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
