It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
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