Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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