thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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