You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
