i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
this boner is exhausting
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
