Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
