Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
this just has baby written all over it
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
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