I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
