And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
