i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
