Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
