We're facebook friends in real life
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Randomize
